the responsibility of freedom

I just saw “Funny People.” So good. I like funny & sad. In my Taste & Flavor lecture we are asked to think about things like our favorite taste combination or texture duo. Sweet & Bitter. Creamy & Crunchy. The movie is so good because it’s so real. Every so often I check in on Jake Lodwick’s tumblr. Lately I’ve found a new love in what is usually translated to me as his raw pain of life. Obviously, it’s not that he’s actually suffering… but all of these routines & projects that he makes for himself — it’s exhausting. Beautiful too, and I appreciate his conscious efforts to remain true to his subconscious. Sometimes I just want to dwell in my feelings. I’m always brought back to that Jim Morrison quote about pain. So good.

It’s been almost a month, but he’s still thinking about me. Ahh, Alejandro. He’s one of a few people that I just get this feeling about… like I just need to know him. I just like the fact that he exists somewhere in this world. I’d like to have him in my life, even though it makes absolutely no sense what so ever. Gut says, “Yes.” Brain says, “No.”

Anywho, carrots & hummus. yes, please. I’ve been eating a lot of carrots & hummus.

lately, i’ve

1) said

.     a) goodbye again to billy’s burg

.     b) hello again to green’s mountain

2) gone

.     a) kayaking in a river with waterfalls that are directly outside of my house

.     b) hiking in a forest that is less than a mile from my house

3) seen

.     a) naked people bicycling in the streets

.     b) my school fall apart at the seems

4) wanted

.     a) a boy to love

.     b)

5) been

.     a) missing my jewish boys

.     b) having really intense & detailed dreams

6) purchased

.     a) scategories, the game

.     b) too many expensive beers

7) made

.     a) pastry cream

.     b) various tarts

8) eaten

.     a) creamies with rainbow jimmies

.     b) spaghetti sandwiches for breakfast

Listen, I’m just trying to not be crazy.

I have a nephew now.

I keep applying all of this sentimental bullshit to people that I don’t really know. I keep having dreams about Alejandro & then reading into them as if they really mean something. I don’t feel comfortable with the fact that I won’t know Hagay forever.

What is it that I need from these people? And why can’t I have it more easily?

He was born on April Fool’s Day, my nephew. It seems fitting, as it’s a big joke that my family finally has a baby boy but we are all doomed to never know him. (My sister has banished the rest of us from her life.)

My other sister is living a lie, and it’s ignorant and disrespectful for me to say that. When I told her to find some meaning in her life, I didn’t expect for her to go out searching for it in the ever-destitute film industry.

I’ve lost all hope in commitment.

THINGS TO BE AWARE OF
(as they seem to lead to a state of illusion and/or false sense of reality)
1. Passion - (i.e., extremes in any form)
2. Commitment - (just another extreme?)

so.

It’s been a while since I’ve done this.

(wrote)

I only have a month left here.

(ambivalent)

Ugh. I dunno. The thing I like most about this city is that it really lets you dwell in your loneliness. It really let me dwell in my loneliness. There were some vague attempts to love; I’m doubting my own sincercity.

I just get so caught up in this existential minimalism. What am I doing any of this for?

Furthermore, what are you doing any of that for?

I don’t really feel the need to help solve my family’s problems anymore… not that we really have any problems besides the disconnection. Do other families really have that spark that I jealously long for or they just pretending?

I’ve been summoned to jury duty for the second time. Of course, I’m not there. I’m wondering what kind of boating while intoxicated cases I’ll be missing out on. I’m wondering which of my former classmates and friends I’d be judging formally.

I think I really wanted to love both of them. Alejandro Lopez ~ a mixed up Columbian dude that I work with. Amit Lavi ~ a mixed up Israeli dude that works in my neighborhood. I just realized that they have the same initials. It’s funny how we try to find meaning in things that don’t have any meaning. Names are merely conveniences.

I’m annoyed with myself. I very distinctly remember thinking about how little stress I had in my life a couple of months ago. I went so long without feeling that discomforting pressure on my heart. Now I’m stressed. It seems so silly… especially because I’m not really even sure why I’m stressed. I’m moving. I’m not ready to leave here, but I like where I’m going. I want someone to consciously let me love them. That sounds so simple, but, I dunno, it feels like such a challenge lately. I’m too disconnected. But everyone wants to be loved. Why am I so stuck on this approach that doesn’t work?

I’m tired of being a nomad. I’m scared that once I finally settle down with a specific town & committed job that I’ll grow restless after six months because I’ll be so used to these conditions by then. I’m worried that I might really be fucking myself over. I just keep saying goodbye to great people without ever getting to discover their tragic flaws. That can’t be good for a person. I need you to let me grow disappointed in you.

In addition to all of that, I also really love my life. I love what I’ve created for myself. I love what I’ve been allowed to do. I like not being attached. I like not feeling obligated. I like my career choice. I like experiencing new people and cultures. I like spending my off days at the beach reading David Sedaris & Neil DeGrasse Tyson. This is really great. I am really fortunate.

Now I just need Reggie Watts to come snuggle with me & perhaps someone to take farming vacations to Vermont with.

=)