the responsibility of freedom

so.

It’s been a while since I’ve done this.

(wrote)

I only have a month left here.

(ambivalent)

Ugh. I dunno. The thing I like most about this city is that it really lets you dwell in your loneliness. It really let me dwell in my loneliness. There were some vague attempts to love; I’m doubting my own sincercity.

I just get so caught up in this existential minimalism. What am I doing any of this for?

Furthermore, what are you doing any of that for?

I don’t really feel the need to help solve my family’s problems anymore… not that we really have any problems besides the disconnection. Do other families really have that spark that I jealously long for or they just pretending?

I’ve been summoned to jury duty for the second time. Of course, I’m not there. I’m wondering what kind of boating while intoxicated cases I’ll be missing out on. I’m wondering which of my former classmates and friends I’d be judging formally.

I think I really wanted to love both of them. Alejandro Lopez ~ a mixed up Columbian dude that I work with. Amit Lavi ~ a mixed up Israeli dude that works in my neighborhood. I just realized that they have the same initials. It’s funny how we try to find meaning in things that don’t have any meaning. Names are merely conveniences.

I’m annoyed with myself. I very distinctly remember thinking about how little stress I had in my life a couple of months ago. I went so long without feeling that discomforting pressure on my heart. Now I’m stressed. It seems so silly… especially because I’m not really even sure why I’m stressed. I’m moving. I’m not ready to leave here, but I like where I’m going. I want someone to consciously let me love them. That sounds so simple, but, I dunno, it feels like such a challenge lately. I’m too disconnected. But everyone wants to be loved. Why am I so stuck on this approach that doesn’t work?

I’m tired of being a nomad. I’m scared that once I finally settle down with a specific town & committed job that I’ll grow restless after six months because I’ll be so used to these conditions by then. I’m worried that I might really be fucking myself over. I just keep saying goodbye to great people without ever getting to discover their tragic flaws. That can’t be good for a person. I need you to let me grow disappointed in you.

In addition to all of that, I also really love my life. I love what I’ve created for myself. I love what I’ve been allowed to do. I like not being attached. I like not feeling obligated. I like my career choice. I like experiencing new people and cultures. I like spending my off days at the beach reading David Sedaris & Neil DeGrasse Tyson. This is really great. I am really fortunate.

Now I just need Reggie Watts to come snuggle with me & perhaps someone to take farming vacations to Vermont with.

=)